We spend our childhoods asking our parents for all sorts of things. Food, the latest toy, a lift over to a friends house. We relied on them for everything. Our parents spend years looking after us, trying their hardest to provide for us. Even once we’ve grown up and moved out, and perhaps even had children of our own; our parents are still parents. No matter what age they might be, they’ll still feel a benevolent responsibility for their children.
Then one day you’ll realise that after a lifetime of caring for you, your parents need looking after themselves. It’s not surprising that this flip in responsibility can come with it’s own set of challenges. Not only must your parents adjust to this role reversal from the caregiver to the ones being looked after; but they must face this whilst also coming to terms with their disability or old age.
Coming to terms with disability and old age
The adjustment to this role reversal can take time before parents fully embrace support from their children, or younger loved ones. On top of this, there can be a whole host of reasons why they will resist the suggestions you make, be they riser recliner chairs or mobility scooters.
To get to the root why your loved ones are refusing or resisting care, you have to talk to them to understand why they have reservations. What feelings and emotions are at the root of their hesitance? The most common barriers are rooted in pride, denial, fear, and a feeling of loss of control.
“The most common barriers are rooted in pride, denial, fear, and a feeling of loss of control.”
Once we can identify what barriers are causing your loved one to refuse help, you are one step closer to getting them the help they need. Remember; the end goal is getting your loved ones help, not making these barriers disappear altogether. Read on for 9 tips & strategies on how you can approach this challenge together, without causing offence or damaging your relationship.
Research by the Disabled Living Foundation has overwhelmingly shown that the elderly fear loss of independence, more than they fear dying (DLF source). A common view is that by accepting mobility and living assistance, people feel as if they are “giving in”, and forfeiting their independence. But we wholeheartedly disagree.
Certain people are reluctant to purchase a powered mobility product because they’re worried if they don’t keep using their body, they’ll deteriorate further. We agree. This is why it’s so important to select the right products based on the client.
Example: If a client is able to walk with the aid of a rollator for a max distance of 100m; we would recommend they keep using it as much as they can. A powered mobility product with a bracket to attach to the rollator can be used for longer journeys only. With discipline and support from family members, this will allow them to maintain their level of mobility fitness, whilst also opening up the distances they can travel to independently.
How to convince parents and loved ones to accept help with independent living solutions
Bathroom, mobility and home solutions can help certain people regain & preserve their independence, by assisting people in maintaining their old lifestyle. Even the small things – making tea and biscuits for example, or popping to the local shop to buy the newspaper – can mean a huge amount to someone who has spent their whole life making those decisions for themselves. Retaining the independence to do everyday tasks can be liberating, and a real boost to their quality of life.
We see this every week when working with elderly and less-abled people. We know that once people accept the help of independent living products, their quality of life improves because of it. People feel like they regain their independence and freedom. Tasks that we all take for granted become easier once again. They begin to feel safer and more secure in their own homes. Improved mobility opens up the places they can go and see, and reduces feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Helping someone who doesn’t want to be helped
But as with many of life’s decisions, it isn’t always this straight forward. For many this is not a quick decision, it may take weeks or months to convince them to agree to home or mobility solutions, or to get help. Here are 9 tips and strategies to help parents who refuse or resist care.
9 tips and strategies to help parents who refuse or resist care
♡ Patience
You must be patient and listen to your parents’ concerns and objections to the idea of mobility and living solutions. You may have brought the idea up casually, now listen and find out the reasons why they are hesitant. For many this is not a quick decision, it may take weeks or months to convince them to agree to help. Remember to be patient with them.
♡ Observe and listen
Watch them as they live in their own home. What can they do well on their own, and what are they struggling with? What do they tell you that they struggle with? Make sure you listen to their thoughts and concerns. People want to make their own decisions, to support the feeling of retaining control. Listen to their thoughts, and understand their point of view.
♡ Unity
Meet with other family members to determine how they feel about the situation. Discuss what the outcome of the meeting should be before you actually discuss this with your loved one. When everyone is unified, it shows your loved one that everyone has the same concerns, and wants what is best for them. A divided family only causes more problems, and does not focus on the main objective, which is getting help for your loved one. It can also be helpful to have a mediator.
♡ Be positive
Point out what your loved one can still do without assistance, and mention that to them. Discuss what their favourite day time activities are. Discussing how independent they will be, even with some help, may make the difference in determining if they want to proceed with independent living products.
♡ Ask questions
Ask questions to determine why they may be reluctant to accept help, as this way you can tailor a solution with this in mind. Do they fear losing independence, or feel they’re happy with their current living conditions? Do they have fears about costs? If that is the case, then read our finance guide for purchasing independent living products which highlights options for assistance with affordability. To build trust, it’s crucial to listen with empathy, and validate rather than deny your loved one’s feelings.
♡ Conversation timing
Deciding when to have this talk with your loved one is something to consider. Its best not to do this at a time of crisis. It is okay to bring up your concerns, and then set a future date where you will revisit the issues under less pressure. Going into these conversations with a relaxed atmosphere will help everyone in developing a clear perspective.
♡ It’s a favour for you
Switching the conversations from ‘this is something you need’ to ‘I know you don’t need it, but this would make me feel better’ makes a parent feel like they are doing you the favour. They can say to themselves ‘I don’t need this help, but I am doing it for my daughter.’ The end goal is getting your loved ones help, not making them admit they need it.
♡ Recruit outsiders
Sometimes it’s easier for a parent to talk to a professional or a friend, rather than a family member. Instead of hearing it from just you, ask a social worker, a healthcare professional, a priest or minister – even an old friend from the pub – to be a part of the conversation; and to suggest that your parents might benefit from help.
♡ Accept your limits
As long as a senior loved one is not in danger or endangering others, let them make their own choices. You can’t be at their side all the time. You need to accept limits on what you can accomplish and not feel guilty. There are fantastic organisations and charities out there who can also help, including AgeNI, CarersNI and Versus Arthritis.
Advice from our past clients have said embraced independent living products
“To put it simply, the Scooter is my lifeline. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to pop to the shops, go to the park with my dog or see my friends and family. It gets me out of the house on a daily basis and I am as independent as I was before I contracted the virus. I don’t leave the house without the scooter now.”
Tom M. Read How a Mobility Scooter changed my life
“Sync Living are interested in the ‘little things’ that are so very important to those who live with a disability and to their families. We highly recommend the company that has gained our confidence and appreciation.”
Angeline M, Yell Review
“The difference that a Changing Places toilet can make in our lives is beyond unbelievable. We don’t cut our days out short anymore. I don’t have to change her on filthy floors and we don’t have to rush home to use our own bathroom. We gained more freedom, independence, dignity.”
Sharon & daughter Aliya. Read How a Changing Places toilet changed our lives.
How Sync Living can help people with mobility and living needs
Sync Living offers showroom demos for many of our products, so they can be tried before committing to a purchase. All we ask is you give them a go!
We have a team of experts who are willing to listen and advise based on individual needs. We are more than happy to sit and talk to anyone who needs advice, and our experts will guide you to ensure that the right product is selected. We have over 25 years experience in helping people with impaired mobility.
We offer free home assessments, to survey and advise on how best to make your home access-friendly.
Helping my parents make their house disabled access and wheelchair friendly
Sync Living provide extensive bathroom and home adaptation, to make sure that our disabled, elderly and bariatric clients can continue to live in the peace of their own homes. Future-proofing your own home gives the psychological comfort of being able to live in familiar surroundings where you feel safe, secure and independent.
So if you want advice or a chat, pick up the phone or pop in for a cuppa!